Unavoidable, Haunting, The Department of Motor Vehicles - Every American HAS To Have ID! I Went There

The DMV - Unavoidable, Where Souls Go To Die

Hello Fellow Travelers!

I don't drive anymore but I do occasionally fly and to fly you need a valid picture ID.  A California Driver's License.  This document is a laminated card and is routinely required for everything from running your kids' gym clothes to school to signing anything important.  A passport will work but if you live in Northern Cal, you really need your CDL.  I thought I was avoiding this particularly spirit-grinding experience by renewing online.

But then it happened.  I misplaced my CDL. I say "misplaced" because it wasn't lost, I had just moved my CDL and I knew it would reappear.  The problem was that I needed it NOW!   We were flying out of state and I had prepacked every item down to the earring back.  I had gift bags!  Facial Water!  I was organized.  I was as ready for any malfunction as any minimalist/survivalist!  I was prepared for every emergency, any weather changes, hot or cold running disasters or any tourist-in-a-wheelchair contingency but found I couldn't get on a plane without a valid photo ID.  So although I was able to immediately order a replacement online it would only be a piece of paper, to validate my invalid CDL.

To get an actual replacement I had to walk into an actual DMV.

There was a good chance my online replacement would arrive in time but my cynicism since 2011 has made me extremely risk-averse so I gritted my teeth and looked for a small town with a small (hopefully) DMV.  So I went to a small town with a small DMV and it was small and very crowded!

I took a "deli-style" number from the counter and waited.  Not really long, just long enough to plan my next trip to the gym.

Then I looked around.  All the wildly different, colorful, chatty citizens were becoming quieter, less animated.  With each passing moment the multi-language complaining turned to silence.   The "waiters" began to shuffle forward as the numbers slowly changed on the TV screen.  It reminded me too much of the "Waiting Room of the Deceased" in "Beetlejuice".

Running away was not an option.

I'd come this far, I had to see what happened next.

And I wasn't leaving without a TSA-approved, laminated, CDL.

By the time I was called (by number, like ordering sliced turkey breast) I saw the state civil servants and the truth of the DMV - They're Zombies!

"Dawn of the Dead", raggedu clothing (state issued uniforms), too slow to be truly scary, more like mildly annoying (as in, "Oh, you again?" Then smack with a croquet mallet, repeat as needed.) Walkers!

Do they eat brains?  I saw no evidence of bodily harm.  What I did observe was candy bar wrappers and Big Gulps in every cubicle.

Their post-people+police-any shape/style/quality=DMV uniforms don't help.

State employed, nylon uniformed, dead-eyed, soulless, test givers, who are zombified by their environment and spread the zombie germ to all that dare to enter the Department of Motor Vehicles.

These "Walkers" are charged with issuing the single most essential document any American is ever issued.

Did Beyonce ever go to the DMV?

Doubtful.

Did Oprah?

Maybe.

You know George Clooney did, you can picture it.

I can picture you picturing it.

I can see Bruce Springsteen renewing too.

Prince?  I just can't see it.

Anyhoo, cut to got my laminated, legal, license replacement that day, mail/online license came by mail before my flight, order was restored to the "Krippled Kingdom" and I was on that plane (or, as I think of aircraft:  A few hundred people strapped to 45,000 pounds of jet fuel 40,000 feet above the ground).

Crisis averted!  Adventure commenced!

What I learned from the DMV?  Same thing we learned as a nation in Viet Nam.  What did we learn by invading Viet Nam?  Stay out of Viet Nam!

The same thing with the DMV.  Stay out of it.  Whenever you can, for as long as you can.

I don't know if it's the maze-like labyrinth of lines or the bad lighting - the DMV is like the Tokyo house in "The Grudge" - a bad thing happened there,  That feeling will haunt anyone that enters that house!   Well, a DMV is eerily similar.

Use the Internet, a driving school, a surrogate  anything to avoid actually going in person.

If you must go, make an appointment, bring music, water, avoid eye contact with "walkers".  I had a summer civil service job.  I was a "zombie-in-training".  I pushed paper and made zillions of copies for bigger zombies to satisfy even bigger monsters (their bosses).  I know a Civil Service walker when I see one.  Stay sharp, keep your eyes focused on something, bring a book!

As soon as you're finished doing/getting whatever was so important it was worth risking contracting the "Zombie" virus, run, don't walk to your car!  Squealing out of the parking lot is optional, but recommended.

I've only experienced "The DMV/Walking Dead" phenomena in the US.  Maybe dealing with overseas counterparts to US DMVs is an enlightening experience - you know, the opposite.  They drive on the opposite side of the road...