More Crap My Mother Sends Me

Hello Fellow Travelers!

I was having a really difficult  time thinking of something to.write about and then, like a little manna from Heaven itself, a package arrived from Arizona.  And not just any old package, no sirree Bob, but a box from my mother. Always something included guaranteed to amaze and amuse and this box was no exception.  To be fair to my mom, she has sent me many lovely things and many practical items and when I'm really specific she has sent whatever I specified. My mother also keeps us awash in periodicals which saved me when all the words were still floating around and I could only look at pictures in magazines. I "told" my mother very specifically what I needed and she and my father procured exactly that.

Lately, I e-mail her and she writes to me.  We have hilariously frustrating phone conversations because I can't speak and she can't hear.  So I open this box from my mother and there are many interesting items including several edibles.  The two types of cookies she sent me weren't just store-bought - they were really low-grade store-bought.  OK, so she doesn't like to bake, I get it.  But that wasn't the funniest thing. My patient spouse and patient-for-a-12 year-old son opened the box, sorted it out, looking for anything chocolate (there wasn't any, I don't like chocolate, but that's a separate story) and in the "sorting" process they pulled out and threw away a sandwich bag that looked empty.  I saw handwriting on the Ziploc bag and  saved it for closer inspection.  The ziploc bag had a reddish hue with a Sharpie notation detailing that the contents of the bag had something to do with Jed Clampett, her newest cat. Yes, my mom sent me - wait for it - Cat Fur! Clipped! Off an actual cat! Just what I needed, more cat fur.

Does my mother think that shaving an orange cat is a better use of her time than baking?  Did she think that a photograph just didn't do him justice?  So she sends her daughter who can't walk or talk a partially filled bag of cat fur!  That's as funny as the "wanted" flyer she inexplicably sent me. Funnier. What was she thinking?  Is there now a cat in AZ that has a huge bald spot?  What am I supposed to do with the fur anyhow?  Send it back?  Glue it to my spouse's head?  What?  It just poses so many questions on so many levels.  What did Jed do when he "donated" the fur?  Should I save it for DNA analysis in the future?  Am I supposed to save it for laughs?  My mom spent over $10.00 to mail about $5.00 of stuff, although, to be fair, kitty fur weighs almost nothing.

My mother sent me the gift that keeps on giving - again.  What discussion preceded the inclusion of the bag o'hair?  "Take out some homemade cookies and make sure there's room for this bag o' fur!"  Or "Don't tape up that box until I put a baggie of Jed's fur in it."  Jed, of course, refers to "Jed Clampett"  of the "Beverly Hillbillies."  My parents have always had a special talent for pet naming.  Before "Jed" there were "Fester", "Quincy", "Ralph", "Frank", "Molly" and "Turbo" to name a few. And that was just some of the cats.   I remember a "Susie Junior", was there a "Susie Senior"?  No.  That would be weird.

PS - Have you ever noticed you never see Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Javier Bardem in the same place at the same time?  Coincidence?  Or conspiracy?  I'm just sayin'...