What's New? A Haunted TV! Really! WTH? Happy Halloween!

Hello Fellow Travelers!

You NEVER want this image to appear on a device
If you see this?  Run, don't walk!
It's the Demon's Well from "The Ring"
Asian Water Demons that can come through your TV! 

I was all set to write about spectacular, haunted houses that look so beautiful (and are so reasonably priced) you could conceivably overlook little drawbacks like blood dripping down the walls and torch-bearing, hatchet-wielding ghost mobs  from the 1600's  (blood wipes off and just look at the firelight from the torches through the mullioned glass!),

Specifically, I have recently fallen hopelessly in love with  the custom designed mansion (haunted by the original owner) in "American Horror Story -  Roanoke".

I really like the Roanoke mansion but there are lots of American Spooky Homes that are swanky in film. The Overlook Hotel in "The Shining" and who can forget the ominous Dakota building in "Rosemary's Baby"?

Once again I was pondering the age-old dilemna:  Haunted Houses:  "Stay Away" or "Such a Deal?"
Then this happened:  My TV died.  And it didn't go quietly either.  As a disabled writer, I usually have a television on above and behind my head.  I can have baseball or CNN on and keep an ear on it like a visual radio.

So Wolf Blitzer was droning on and on about "Breaking News" (there's nothing "Breaking" either, the "news" is just broken!) then the TV  sputtered and went dead.   Then it came back on.  Spooky!

I've learned a thing or two from both Poltergeists (old and new - old school is a lot better, BTW.), "The Grudge", "The Ring" and "The Blair Witch Project". Don't play with Oija boards.  Clowns are always evil (another Geico ad; "Everybody knows this!"), and really scary movies come from dark and damp places - Japan and Washington State.

Maybe we like to be frightened by fictional characters in part, because there is so  much real chaos and terror in the world.

Sticking my figurative mental toe in the "Haunted Pond" (Vampires, ghosts, zombies, unseen whatevers) amused me once.   I've changed.  I am still open to the probability of parallel universes, I just don't have  any desire for personal contact.

I think the dad (Craig T. Nelson - "Coach") in the 1982 "Poltergeist" had the right idea - At the end of their "new-house-adventure" his exhausted family escapes the exploding suburb and drag themselves into a motel.  At the end of the film the dad shoves the TV, cart and all outside.

A TV was the portal that swallowed his daughter!  Televisions are more than conduits of meaningless garbage, in cinematic terms, TV's are portals to another plane!

Or, this TV, my old one, was just plumb worn out.  Either way it had to go!  Just to be safe I unplugged it, too.  And removed it.  What can I say?  I'm not a scaredy cat!  I'm just extremely "risk averse".

Four Words:  "Ancient Indian Burial  Ground"  It is universally known - Motivated seller

Speech - Important

  You Have to Hand it to Vanity (Prince?) She knew how to rock a teddy!
What are those other girls wearing anyway?
Vanity is the  only one with a coat, those other two must be freezing!

Hello Fellow Travelers!

I was all set to write about the debate (Miss Jackson, if you're nasty) and then .this happened:  I received a voicemail.  One we all dread, my father is in the hospital, in another state, seriously injured, awaiting surgery.

Of all the things I can no longer do, I was the most mystified and least concerned by my inability to speak.  I'm an avid reader and a great listener so being quiet (I mean really quiet) didn't seem so bad at first.  So when I made the choice to shelve speech therapy in order to focus exclusively on physical therapy it sounded logical. What I didn't foresee was the catastrophe factor, present in every situation.

I'm unable to communicate effectively, in real time.  Taking "a  vow of silence"  sounds noble, but when you need information NOW it's not so great!

My PS understands my garbled attempts at speech and often serves as my less-than-thrilled interpreter.  A family emergency is proof  (I didn't really need any) that speaking is really important.  Or, at the very least, more valuable than I thought.

The PS just told me my dad is on the mend!

I can practice speech rehabilitation with my father.

Cowbells, Cancer and the Kings!

     Hello Fellow Travelers!

Sir Paul - He still brings it!

I went to the grand opening of the downtown Golden One  Arena which cost millions to build and will be the new home of the Sacramento Kings. It's already revitalizing the Downtown area.  New businesses are taking hold, I like it because it's shaped like a cookie - round.  We saw McCartney perform in Golden Gate Park a year or so ago and that was an outdoor, casual-but-not-really-casual sort of venue.

The crowd in San Francisco was all ages, all colors.  The concert goers were nattily attired, retro-cool and, well, groovy!  The Golden Gate Park event was a day-into-night program with McCartney scheduled last.  As the sun set the coastal fog slowly settled over the City.  and another kind of fog permeated the air over the Park - I love the smell of weed!  I don't partake myself, never did, but the aroma of burning ganja rocks my world!  I rarely get an occasional whiff anymore, let alone an entire cloud! 

By contrast, the crowd in Sacramento was entirely the opposite:  Older, beer drinking and flip-flop wearing, they filed in early and after one obligatory  encore they filed out precisely 2 hours later. 

There was a complete absence of the delightful essence of reefer.  

The new arena is equipped with cutting edge lighting, good views from every seat

 When I went to rock concerts (back at the dawn of time), people held up their lighters to create ambiance (Hey, Jude) or demand an encore ("Play Freebird"!).  Now the fans hold up their Smart Phones with a picture of a flame.  Times, they are a changin'!

Risk averse though I am, I was going to throw caution to the wind and have a gooey drink/dessert involving salted caramel and possibly buy a mug or a t-shirt for a friend 

Again my smallest hopes were cruelly dashed!  Sacramento is not San Francisco, we get that.  Sacramento is the Capitol of the freaking state!

I may be disabled but I'm a foodie!

IPA's?  Handmade Ales?  No.  Budweiser!  Wine?  In a can.  A can!

Come on, people!  We have the Governor! We have the State Fair!   We can do better than this!  Apparently we cannot.  Small wonder Sacramento gets called a "cowtown".

No yummy, sticky  beverage (waters were $5!) scant pricey merchandise (a lousy T-Shirt was $40), not off to a promising beginning!

Kings' Fans have the dubious reputation of being the loudest in the NBA.  Sacramento has embraced the "cow town" nickname.  Fans rattle bovine alerts at every game.  On a local morning program I saw a segment about the new Golden One Center and the local artist who blacksmithed a giant iron cowbell for the team locker room.

No gourmet food but beau coups cowbell!

The PS loves The Kings and I like cowbells and fire so we are looking forward to the basketball season.

Another particularly polite practice that I've come to greatly appreciate is what I call "The Moses Effect" - In Sacramento pedestrians politely part for a wheelchair like parting the Red Sea.  I really value citizens quietly scattering like pigeons in front of my oncoming conveyance.

Makes me a little less bitter at being eye/booty level.

Just a little.

Before I could don a white robe and wheel around parting the sea of Sacramento humanity my PS recalled a far less Biblical image but one just as visually compelling..  The school-of-fish parting of people reminded my PS of the late,  great, Richard Pryor running down the street after he set himself on fire.   He had a point.  If you're ablaze and booking down your street, people will tend to get out of the way.

The Sacramento phenomenon of  humans scattering in front of wheelchairs like schools of fish in a Bahamas promotion video is polite, helpful and makes my life slightly easier.   The fact that this effect reminds him (and now me) of a comedian who freebased so much cocaine he caught fire is irrelevant.  Whatever, it works.  The people evaporate!

So I'm not Charlton Heston.  I'm alive!  And I have a cowbell!   

Unavoidable, Haunting, The Department of Motor Vehicles - Every American HAS To Have ID! I Went There

The DMV - Unavoidable, Where Souls Go To Die

Hello Fellow Travelers!

I don't drive anymore but I do occasionally fly and to fly you need a valid picture ID.  A California Driver's License.  This document is a laminated card and is routinely required for everything from running your kids' gym clothes to school to signing anything important.  A passport will work but if you live in Northern Cal, you really need your CDL.  I thought I was avoiding this particularly spirit-grinding experience by renewing online.

But then it happened.  I misplaced my CDL. I say "misplaced" because it wasn't lost, I had just moved my CDL and I knew it would reappear.  The problem was that I needed it NOW!   We were flying out of state and I had prepacked every item down to the earring back.  I had gift bags!  Facial Water!  I was organized.  I was as ready for any malfunction as any minimalist/survivalist!  I was prepared for every emergency, any weather changes, hot or cold running disasters or any tourist-in-a-wheelchair contingency but found I couldn't get on a plane without a valid photo ID.  So although I was able to immediately order a replacement online it would only be a piece of paper, to validate my invalid CDL.

To get an actual replacement I had to walk into an actual DMV.

There was a good chance my online replacement would arrive in time but my cynicism since 2011 has made me extremely risk-averse so I gritted my teeth and looked for a small town with a small (hopefully) DMV.  So I went to a small town with a small DMV and it was small and very crowded!

I took a "deli-style" number from the counter and waited.  Not really long, just long enough to plan my next trip to the gym.

Then I looked around.  All the wildly different, colorful, chatty citizens were becoming quieter, less animated.  With each passing moment the multi-language complaining turned to silence.   The "waiters" began to shuffle forward as the numbers slowly changed on the TV screen.  It reminded me too much of the "Waiting Room of the Deceased" in "Beetlejuice".

Running away was not an option.

I'd come this far, I had to see what happened next.

And I wasn't leaving without a TSA-approved, laminated, CDL.

By the time I was called (by number, like ordering sliced turkey breast) I saw the state civil servants and the truth of the DMV - They're Zombies!

"Dawn of the Dead", raggedu clothing (state issued uniforms), too slow to be truly scary, more like mildly annoying (as in, "Oh, you again?" Then smack with a croquet mallet, repeat as needed.) Walkers!

Do they eat brains?  I saw no evidence of bodily harm.  What I did observe was candy bar wrappers and Big Gulps in every cubicle.

Their post-people+police-any shape/style/quality=DMV uniforms don't help.

State employed, nylon uniformed, dead-eyed, soulless, test givers, who are zombified by their environment and spread the zombie germ to all that dare to enter the Department of Motor Vehicles.

These "Walkers" are charged with issuing the single most essential document any American is ever issued.

Did Beyonce ever go to the DMV?

Doubtful.

Did Oprah?

Maybe.

You know George Clooney did, you can picture it.

I can picture you picturing it.

I can see Bruce Springsteen renewing too.

Prince?  I just can't see it.

Anyhoo, cut to got my laminated, legal, license replacement that day, mail/online license came by mail before my flight, order was restored to the "Krippled Kingdom" and I was on that plane (or, as I think of aircraft:  A few hundred people strapped to 45,000 pounds of jet fuel 40,000 feet above the ground).

Crisis averted!  Adventure commenced!

What I learned from the DMV?  Same thing we learned as a nation in Viet Nam.  What did we learn by invading Viet Nam?  Stay out of Viet Nam!

The same thing with the DMV.  Stay out of it.  Whenever you can, for as long as you can.

I don't know if it's the maze-like labyrinth of lines or the bad lighting - the DMV is like the Tokyo house in "The Grudge" - a bad thing happened there,  That feeling will haunt anyone that enters that house!   Well, a DMV is eerily similar.

Use the Internet, a driving school, a surrogate  anything to avoid actually going in person.

If you must go, make an appointment, bring music, water, avoid eye contact with "walkers".  I had a summer civil service job.  I was a "zombie-in-training".  I pushed paper and made zillions of copies for bigger zombies to satisfy even bigger monsters (their bosses).  I know a Civil Service walker when I see one.  Stay sharp, keep your eyes focused on something, bring a book!

As soon as you're finished doing/getting whatever was so important it was worth risking contracting the "Zombie" virus, run, don't walk to your car!  Squealing out of the parking lot is optional, but recommended.

I've only experienced "The DMV/Walking Dead" phenomena in the US.  Maybe dealing with overseas counterparts to US DMVs is an enlightening experience - you know, the opposite.  They drive on the opposite side of the road...