Hello Fellow Travelers!
I am not wasting a second wondering how I got in this predicament. Why me? Never crosses my mind. I have never spent a second contemplating my lot in life, or more specifically, why brain cancer? Why now? I could spend a lot of time and energy investigating the why's and wherefores but I always feel like time is so short, in essence, evaporating so quickly, I'll always be behind. So I just set the bar low, like always: Is it cancer? No? Then who cares? I feel so great! It is perplexing, though.
I am in the best shape I've ever been in, I'm still pretty quick on the ol' uptake, I still don't miss much. With the possible exception of chocolate (I still really dislike it! Call me "UnAmerican", Ha! I survived brain cancer, for Pete's Sake! Most dessert items are dipped or coated in chocolate which is annoying but tolerable, like me! ) I like most things that are sweet. And I'm not discriminant either. I like everything with sugar - from Rice Krispy treats to Pyramids of Raspberry Mousse Dipped in Gold Leaf. And anything in between.
So not only am I being deprived, I know I'm depriving myself! I'm freaking hungry all the time! I've been literally hungry for years! Since I'm neither a bear or a supermodel I couldn't say with any certainty why I am always thinking about desserts. I went my entire life never seeing desserts as anything more than a half hour of coffee and gluttony on 7" plates. It doesn't seem fair, but, as I have said before nothing about cancer is fair. I've been telling you guys for years (as long as I could type anyway) that everything seems to have a reason behind it and I think I've stumbled upon another piece of the jigsaw puzzle that is my life. I was really distressed to discover that despite working out daily, cutting my caloric intake by 50%, feeling hungry every minute of every day and steadily losing weight, I didn't look any different! Pretty bogus, n'est pas?
I thought so too! But now I see results and what might be happening is another example of what's supposed to happen. For the first time in my life I can see all the muscles I've been working on, not just hear about how strong I am from doctors and therapists. Me, seeing results from 2+years of working out is significantly more motivational than hearing about neuroplasticity. I have every expectation that neuroplasticity will work, but dropping pounds and building muscle seems a lot more worthwhile when I can see the eventual shapes of my legs and torso emerging with every workout.- neuroplasticity is my goal, but I really thought I would see some change after two years elapsed. I was puzzled why after so much time and effort nothing was happening.
But in true Jan form the change was dramatic and immediate: not just any tumor, oh no, a freaking brain tumor no less! And not just any surgery, freaking emergency neurosurgery to remove a stage three cancerous brain tumor! (Thank You Dr. A.!) Followed closely by Chemo and radiation (Thank you, Dr. S.!) Getting some ailment that can be cured by Lyrica or Dr. Oz would be too normal for me! I not only get cancer, I get brain cancer! And I pass the Grim Reaper daily in the halls, that's how close I came to death. And I know it! IBS or Gout might be easier to treat or live with but they lack the drama of cancer. Every MRI I get for the forseeable future will just be to reconfirm that I am cancer free!
WTH? All Western Medicine seems to offer is reactions to cancer. Reactions to getting it, treating it, discovering it's return. Historically if all an enemy can do is react eventually they will lose. I don't have any intention of revisiting any of the medical ground I've covered. If cancer returns I'll find some new way to crush it. I've never thought of myself as a reactionary and this experience has taught me is that you should never, ever, think to yourself, "Gee, things just can't get any worse!" Things can be a lot worse. And a lot worse fast! Am I supposed to spend the remainder of my life waiting waiting to die? I won't! I can't! Giving into any circumstance brought about by this cancer is nothing I ever consider.
PS - I know I've mentioned Discovery Channel's "Naked & Afraid" Which should be called "Strangers Who Complain A Lot In the Dirt" or "A Guy & a Gal in the Dirt Who Can't Start A Fire" So now there is the inevitable "Naked & Dating". I have no idea when or where it's on, check your local listings.
I am not wasting a second wondering how I got in this predicament. Why me? Never crosses my mind. I have never spent a second contemplating my lot in life, or more specifically, why brain cancer? Why now? I could spend a lot of time and energy investigating the why's and wherefores but I always feel like time is so short, in essence, evaporating so quickly, I'll always be behind. So I just set the bar low, like always: Is it cancer? No? Then who cares? I feel so great! It is perplexing, though.
I am in the best shape I've ever been in, I'm still pretty quick on the ol' uptake, I still don't miss much. With the possible exception of chocolate (I still really dislike it! Call me "UnAmerican", Ha! I survived brain cancer, for Pete's Sake! Most dessert items are dipped or coated in chocolate which is annoying but tolerable, like me! ) I like most things that are sweet. And I'm not discriminant either. I like everything with sugar - from Rice Krispy treats to Pyramids of Raspberry Mousse Dipped in Gold Leaf. And anything in between.
So not only am I being deprived, I know I'm depriving myself! I'm freaking hungry all the time! I've been literally hungry for years! Since I'm neither a bear or a supermodel I couldn't say with any certainty why I am always thinking about desserts. I went my entire life never seeing desserts as anything more than a half hour of coffee and gluttony on 7" plates. It doesn't seem fair, but, as I have said before nothing about cancer is fair. I've been telling you guys for years (as long as I could type anyway) that everything seems to have a reason behind it and I think I've stumbled upon another piece of the jigsaw puzzle that is my life. I was really distressed to discover that despite working out daily, cutting my caloric intake by 50%, feeling hungry every minute of every day and steadily losing weight, I didn't look any different! Pretty bogus, n'est pas?
I thought so too! But now I see results and what might be happening is another example of what's supposed to happen. For the first time in my life I can see all the muscles I've been working on, not just hear about how strong I am from doctors and therapists. Me, seeing results from 2+years of working out is significantly more motivational than hearing about neuroplasticity. I have every expectation that neuroplasticity will work, but dropping pounds and building muscle seems a lot more worthwhile when I can see the eventual shapes of my legs and torso emerging with every workout.- neuroplasticity is my goal, but I really thought I would see some change after two years elapsed. I was puzzled why after so much time and effort nothing was happening.
But in true Jan form the change was dramatic and immediate: not just any tumor, oh no, a freaking brain tumor no less! And not just any surgery, freaking emergency neurosurgery to remove a stage three cancerous brain tumor! (Thank You Dr. A.!) Followed closely by Chemo and radiation (Thank you, Dr. S.!) Getting some ailment that can be cured by Lyrica or Dr. Oz would be too normal for me! I not only get cancer, I get brain cancer! And I pass the Grim Reaper daily in the halls, that's how close I came to death. And I know it! IBS or Gout might be easier to treat or live with but they lack the drama of cancer. Every MRI I get for the forseeable future will just be to reconfirm that I am cancer free!
WTH? All Western Medicine seems to offer is reactions to cancer. Reactions to getting it, treating it, discovering it's return. Historically if all an enemy can do is react eventually they will lose. I don't have any intention of revisiting any of the medical ground I've covered. If cancer returns I'll find some new way to crush it. I've never thought of myself as a reactionary and this experience has taught me is that you should never, ever, think to yourself, "Gee, things just can't get any worse!" Things can be a lot worse. And a lot worse fast! Am I supposed to spend the remainder of my life waiting waiting to die? I won't! I can't! Giving into any circumstance brought about by this cancer is nothing I ever consider.
PS - I know I've mentioned Discovery Channel's "Naked & Afraid" Which should be called "Strangers Who Complain A Lot In the Dirt" or "A Guy & a Gal in the Dirt Who Can't Start A Fire" So now there is the inevitable "Naked & Dating". I have no idea when or where it's on, check your local listings.
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