Survivor Guilt? Important, But Whose Got Time For That? Not Me!

Hello Fellow Travelers!

Cancer survivors all deal with a lot of very personal issues.  I'm always surprised to learn that something I thought I alone was in dealing with, was, in fact, so common it had a name,"survivor's guilt." "Survivor's Guilt," for me, is a sense of questioning why so many others have died and I was thrown back like a salmon in the river in that old Disney movie they showed (and still show) in school.

You know the one where the bears are standing in the rushing water and picking off the determined fish as they doggedly swim upstream.  The fish get their heads ripped off, the bear cubs learn how to fish and "The Circle of Life" continues.

But I have to wonder - am I the salmon or the bear?  Or the river? Maybe I'm the river in this bizarre scenario!  I really have no idea!

"Survivor's Guilt" is a misnomer for a lot of reasons.  Someone important (well, they thought they were) once said, "Guilt and jealousy are the only truly manufactured emotions."   Think about it. It's true! I have never thought very much about either emotion or had much use for either guilt or jealousy. "Guilt" has a negative connotation, like you've done something to feel guilty about or feel bad about.  Nothing could be farther from the truth! I feel great! Better than ever! Release the Cracken! Bring it! Guilt/Schmilt! Whose got time for that? Not me!

Being left alive and cancer-free has motivated me in a way that only those who have come up really close to Death and Death said,"Nahh!" can truly understand. I spent the first half of my life curious but with no clue. Since the tumor removal, I think more clearly. Everything makes sense again; the fog has been lifted. I know who I am. I'm a starving writer!  (Really, I'm always hungry!)  I know what I have to do.  I don't know if I can actually do it or not, but I have to try.  And never stop trying!  This adventure that is my life is in another phase, if I can survive this part I'll find everything else I'm looking for.

Time is working against me. I'm very aware of the passage of time and the fragility of human beings!  Like laptops, we don't bounce when we fall on hard surfaces (Young People Pay Attention! This applies to you too!).  I feel a lot more breakable, a lot more"vincible" since cancer upended my life. I've broken arms, ribs, a hip for good measure, and each break was really painful. Compared to brain surgery?  Breaking bones is more like Tinker Toys! No comparison!

Do you ever watch "Game of Thrones" on HBO?  I do, and people on that program die like flies in all sorts of imaginative and colorful ways. I feel like I should strap on a sword just to watch this program!  It's that intense! Post tumor life is like GOT. I always have to be strong and ready because I never know what I'll have to deal with. MRI? OK. Dragon?  Remote Possibility  2 Dragons?  Still remote but you never know. Falling down because I have 0 balance?  Happens almost daily.  Grim Reaper always around?  Always! We have cappuccino together in the morning, he's a righteous dude!

It doesn't matter if I'm the bear or the river in the Disney movie (as long as I'm not the salmon, please let me not be the salmon! You know what happens to the salmon! Yuck!), what matters is what I do from here on out to maximize the time I have left on this planet. It's the last inning, the fourth quarter and I'm finally taking control of my game.  And it's scary and unknown and deadly serious, fun doesn't enter into it.  Good thing I ate my Wheaties!  (And cookies but mostly Wheaties)...

PS - Did I tell you I'm finally reading Salinger's "Catcher in the Rye"? Well I am!  I always liked J.D., and I don't know how I missed "Catcher," but I did. It's full of self love and loathing (turned outward) and snarky humor! And a crazy hat!  It's awesome! No wonder it's required reading in schools! (and required carrying for assassins of unarmed celebrities).  Go Giants!