Hello Fellow Travelers!
I caught a virus of some kind last week (First in many years) after being eerily healthy since 2011, and this hit me hard, I'm still not over it. So another log of any size or origin is one log too many on the ol' "Bonfire of Stress" and my wheels just completely came off and I'm still getting over it! This is probably the last time I'll add another circumstance to the "others" I'm currently juggling. I can handle a lot but I think I'm maxed! I'm barely treading water, neurologically speaking, and feel constantly like I'm running out of time! So I know I ranted about my huge, irrational fear of enclosed spaces. The MRI is essential for any neuro diagnosis, apparently the MD who orders the test gets the thrill of reading the results to you.
I know I previously ranted at some length about claustrophobia and how the middle of the MRI "donut" is absolutely one of the worst places for a claustrophobe. What I didn't consider, what I've never considered is my plan of action should the cancer come back! "Come back?" WTF? It's gone, baby, gone! It had better be! Gone. It can't "come back"! But apparently it can and often does come back! Over 50% of the time! In the first five years! I have no contingency plan for more cancer! Oh no! Suddenly all my doctors are calling about seeing me! So I survived brain surgery, radiation, chemotherapy and repeated MRI's just to hear there's another tumor? I don't think so. I just don't have the strength to annually reconfirm that I'm still alive. Who cares? Big deal! I already know that. I'm only interested in moving forward, but the last time I ignored all the signs I woke up in the hospital with a brain tumor. I like to think I can still learn lessons from my own life so I'm paying closer attention. Like what would I do if it "came back"? I have never considered that because it's just not an option! I've grown the tumor, had it diagnosed and removed and now I'm working doubletime to recover from the cure. The cancer itself has been gone since 1/11. Part of anyone's success in surviving cancer has to be ignorance. If I knew how brave I'd have to be and how much misery I'd have to endure I don't know if I could have gone this far! My sense of adventure would be shot to hell and you really need a strong sense of adventure. And a stronger sense of humor. Let's just say it, "You need to be strong to survive cancer. Really strong! Army Strong! At least! I have never, and will never wish cancer on anyone. It's just too sad, too serious. I can't even make jokes about it and I can make jokes about anything! Cancer just played with me but in "playing" completely upended my physical world. I see it as an opportunity for growth and change but that's due in large part to the great way I feel since the tumor removal in 2011!
When reviewing my case my neurosurgeon commented that the alternative was not desirable (death). Yeah, I would agree "The Big Dirt Nap" is not a good option for me. Neither is getting repeated MRI's for the next several years just to hopefully reconfirm that the brain cancer is still gone. Again, I already knew that. So, I spent way too much time and energy being uncharacteristically concerned about my MRI results this go round. I felt that since I never considered negative results, I ought to begin, because you never know! Except I do know! I wasn't blowing smoke when I told my neurosurgeon that I feel amazing and they could MRI me until the cows come home; the cancer is long gone. I know it! I feel it! My oncologist finally divulged the results of the last MRI which were "remarkable in their unremarkability". In other words cancer is still long gone. Good news, but nothing I didn't already know. Again, there's only one question that matters, the only question that counts: Is it cancer? No? Then who cares? Really, it's just that simple! Even though there were three questions there, only one needed answering.
So I don't look forward to endless MRI's but I understand the need for up-to-the-minute images, and, in the first five years following the tumor removal, annual MRI's are just going to be part of my life, no matter how frightened they make me - like spiders. Spiders are probably more beneficial than MRI's but I haven't "evolved" that much and probably never will!
Patient Spouse has been worrying about this recent MRI for months! I haven't given any thought to the "return" of cancer, nor will I. I am only aware of how fast I can train to improve for PS and my son. How fast neuroplasticity will work, how much repetitive exercise I can take. Always more! It's a battle against time! I think I will ultimately prevail because failure is not an option. So worrying about cancer returning seems to me to be a waste of time and energy that I'll never have again.
After relaying the "boring" MRI results to us my oncologist remarked on my overall improvement and strength. I am determined to do whatever is necessary to recover for my PS and Jack. Nothing else matters. So I'll take "boring" all day long! "Boring" is good! Bring on the "boring"! It's right up there with "cookie". "Boring cookie"? No such thing! Like "recurring brain cancer"? No such thing! Not for me, anyway!
I caught a virus of some kind last week (First in many years) after being eerily healthy since 2011, and this hit me hard, I'm still not over it. So another log of any size or origin is one log too many on the ol' "Bonfire of Stress" and my wheels just completely came off and I'm still getting over it! This is probably the last time I'll add another circumstance to the "others" I'm currently juggling. I can handle a lot but I think I'm maxed! I'm barely treading water, neurologically speaking, and feel constantly like I'm running out of time! So I know I ranted about my huge, irrational fear of enclosed spaces. The MRI is essential for any neuro diagnosis, apparently the MD who orders the test gets the thrill of reading the results to you.
I know I previously ranted at some length about claustrophobia and how the middle of the MRI "donut" is absolutely one of the worst places for a claustrophobe. What I didn't consider, what I've never considered is my plan of action should the cancer come back! "Come back?" WTF? It's gone, baby, gone! It had better be! Gone. It can't "come back"! But apparently it can and often does come back! Over 50% of the time! In the first five years! I have no contingency plan for more cancer! Oh no! Suddenly all my doctors are calling about seeing me! So I survived brain surgery, radiation, chemotherapy and repeated MRI's just to hear there's another tumor? I don't think so. I just don't have the strength to annually reconfirm that I'm still alive. Who cares? Big deal! I already know that. I'm only interested in moving forward, but the last time I ignored all the signs I woke up in the hospital with a brain tumor. I like to think I can still learn lessons from my own life so I'm paying closer attention. Like what would I do if it "came back"? I have never considered that because it's just not an option! I've grown the tumor, had it diagnosed and removed and now I'm working doubletime to recover from the cure. The cancer itself has been gone since 1/11. Part of anyone's success in surviving cancer has to be ignorance. If I knew how brave I'd have to be and how much misery I'd have to endure I don't know if I could have gone this far! My sense of adventure would be shot to hell and you really need a strong sense of adventure. And a stronger sense of humor. Let's just say it, "You need to be strong to survive cancer. Really strong! Army Strong! At least! I have never, and will never wish cancer on anyone. It's just too sad, too serious. I can't even make jokes about it and I can make jokes about anything! Cancer just played with me but in "playing" completely upended my physical world. I see it as an opportunity for growth and change but that's due in large part to the great way I feel since the tumor removal in 2011!
When reviewing my case my neurosurgeon commented that the alternative was not desirable (death). Yeah, I would agree "The Big Dirt Nap" is not a good option for me. Neither is getting repeated MRI's for the next several years just to hopefully reconfirm that the brain cancer is still gone. Again, I already knew that. So, I spent way too much time and energy being uncharacteristically concerned about my MRI results this go round. I felt that since I never considered negative results, I ought to begin, because you never know! Except I do know! I wasn't blowing smoke when I told my neurosurgeon that I feel amazing and they could MRI me until the cows come home; the cancer is long gone. I know it! I feel it! My oncologist finally divulged the results of the last MRI which were "remarkable in their unremarkability". In other words cancer is still long gone. Good news, but nothing I didn't already know. Again, there's only one question that matters, the only question that counts: Is it cancer? No? Then who cares? Really, it's just that simple! Even though there were three questions there, only one needed answering.
So I don't look forward to endless MRI's but I understand the need for up-to-the-minute images, and, in the first five years following the tumor removal, annual MRI's are just going to be part of my life, no matter how frightened they make me - like spiders. Spiders are probably more beneficial than MRI's but I haven't "evolved" that much and probably never will!
Patient Spouse has been worrying about this recent MRI for months! I haven't given any thought to the "return" of cancer, nor will I. I am only aware of how fast I can train to improve for PS and my son. How fast neuroplasticity will work, how much repetitive exercise I can take. Always more! It's a battle against time! I think I will ultimately prevail because failure is not an option. So worrying about cancer returning seems to me to be a waste of time and energy that I'll never have again.
After relaying the "boring" MRI results to us my oncologist remarked on my overall improvement and strength. I am determined to do whatever is necessary to recover for my PS and Jack. Nothing else matters. So I'll take "boring" all day long! "Boring" is good! Bring on the "boring"! It's right up there with "cookie". "Boring cookie"? No such thing! Like "recurring brain cancer"? No such thing! Not for me, anyway!
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