There is a new program starting soon on The Learning Channel called "Doomsday Castle" and I hope it will play out to be the blending of two points of view I've long wanted to see: Doomsday Prepper mixed equally with the affluent homeowner/builder. Anyone can build a woodsy chateau and side by side with a spouse who is equally dedicated to creating an insulated home (read/hole) in the dirt. It takes a joint vision and a whole lot of money to create something that has the temerity to call itself a castle, a Doomsday Castle!! I mean I'd watch for the marital discord alone! Then I saw the foyer! Fancy windows! I’m all in! I mean the inevitable decline and destruction of our planet combined with bay windows, unlimited budget and many thousands of square feet. And it's on The Learning Channel! So even if it sucks we'll learn something! It can't lose!
But I write today about where I'd want to be in case of a nuclear attack. Several years ago I read a short story by Stephen King about some mysterious fog that trapped some people in a grocery store. One by one the trapped people get picked off by something in the fog. That would never happen to me because I'd probably be at Costco. We're always at Cotsco. They have everything and lots of It! A new car! A good one! And Baked Goods! You could hole up there for months! Longer if the Seafood Roadshow is in town!
I've been a member since they were Price Club and I defy anyone to go into that place and come out with nothing. You can't do it, can you? And when they put up their Christmas Crap? Forget about it. Not only do they have bigger decorations than any other store they have lots of them.
I'm always up for an excursion to Costco it is a magical place for me. There are lots of jokes about the size of the place and the amount you get in your purchase. A really big bottle of vodka or a Coleman stove - also very large. What's not to love about a place that sells dog food, diamonds and daikon radishes? And that's junk they have every day. When there's a roadshow in the store (and usually they have several a week) there is even more to look at. I especially like the amber roadshow for gifting and the fresh shellfish show they have every Thu-Sun. I'm pretty picky and I would make large food purchases every week to turn into treats for others because their products are better than average! Another great feature of Costco is that if you know the positioning of one in AZ you knowing the layout of every store everywhere because they're all the same. Even their junk food is pretty good. I discovered a frozen mocha drink that tastes just like Kahlua! For a buck and change! Can't beat them, you know why? Perceived value, that's why. Take wrapping paper as an example: You pick out a heavy roll. You had better really like it because you're going to see it for several years to come. We just bought another color this past year because we were sick of looking at the pattern on the first roll.
Even Oprah went to a Costco to see what everyone was talking about. Oprah, of course, got it right away. In those days Oprah's audiences reached under their seats and scored a thousand dollar gift card. You can go there dressed not-to-impress, it is, after all, a warehouse. It's like a Home Depot but better! You can pick up a wheel of Brie and book an exotic cruise (or not), or get a good deal on a waffle iron and some cat litter.
The only downside? Long lines to check out. So do like we do: spring for the Executive Membership and go an hour earlier than the "Regular" members. At ten am!
PS - Also on The Learning Channel: "Naked and Afraid". And they are both. And not in a good way. Before you waste any time let me clue you in: It's like "Survivor" without clothes. And the miserable contestants get the satisfaction of knowing they can hang out with an equally ill-equipped person of the opposite sex for 21 days in some far-flung land. That's right, for being naked and eating grubs on TLC for 21 days you get bupkis, nada, nothing! And that's if they stick it out for 21 days. I saw an episode where both the male and female left. They bailed! They drop these poor people off all over the globe with nothing! And no clothes. You know what gives both sexes the most trouble? Their feet! If they don"t take care of their feet they quickly get sick. Too sick to participate anyway. Who knew? It's one of those ideas that probably sounded good on paper but in reality after they meet it's just two dirty people starving in the mud in the Serengeti or the Sahara or a Louisiana swamp. It doesn't matter where they travel it's a crash diet in the dirt. I mean I could understand the suffering if the contestants were competing for a beautiful house or a lot of money. But to survive 21days naked and really dirty on national television, with no tangible reward, defies any explanation I could come up with. So I will not offer any further explanation or rationale for not watching this international piece of crap except to give the following warning: It's filthy, stressful and about ten kinds of bad-naked (Seinfeld was right there is a bad naked and this is it!). I really have no idea why this is a program or why it's on TLC. I have foregone most TV (except for Giants' baseball and Kings' basketball) so it requires a truly ridiculous name to catch my attention. N&A struck me as filling the ridiculous bill pretty well but trust me, it’s an understandably dirty diet video! Not even worthy of my time, or anyone else's time for that matter. What did I learn? Glad you asked! Let's see, hmmm, well I learned never to go to the following places: The South American Rainforest, Borneo, The Serengeti, at least some of The Louisiana Swamps. Anyplace they go is a place I don't want to be, ever! If that program stays on TLC and my patient spouse keeps watching it, I'll keep adding to the list of places I'll never go because they look too painful and dirty, not fun at all!
No comments:
Post a Comment