"You Must Embrace The Suck!" - House Majority Leader, Nancy Pelosi (D), Addressing her Democratic Caucus Following the Budget Compromise

Hello Fellow Travelers!

Is that a great quote or what?  Succinct, to the point and dripping with sarcasm.  Just how I like my quotes.  To be fair this doesn't sound like Ms. Pelosi and she freely acknowledges that she lifted it from a former veteran of Iraq or Afghanistan.  It came from soldiers!  How great is that?  You can apply it to so many situations whether you're in a tank or a wheelchair!  "Embrace the suck!"  I love it!  And I plan to use it often!  I wish I was in a tank sometimes!  But I'm not, I'm in a wheelchair embracing the suck on a daily basis.

There have been many social changes since I've been sidelined-by-tumor in 2011.  The one I hear about most frequently is the increased cost of "things".  I didn't pay a lot of attention to the price of regular goods and services before I had the tumor removed and pay even less attention since 2011.  Before Brain Surgery, milk was around $3.25/gal, now it's a lot more.  How much more I'm not really sure, but the increase is big and pervasive!  Whenever I ask Patient Spouse to pick up something at the drug or grocery store he responds with answers that make me feel like Rip Van Winkle.  "A six pack of Diet Coke costs what?  Dude, no way!"  Every day I attempt to purchase something and almost every day Patient Spouse shakes his head about how adorably clueless (old timey?) I have become, and condescends to tell me how much items currently cost.  I didn't care much before the brain surgery and since?  Not at all!  I'm juggling metaphoric chainsaws here!  The cost of shampoo doesn't matter, just buy some already!

Patient Spouse checks in with his prep school and college buddies using Facebook.  I only have a few Facebook friends although I rely on social media for all my communication.  So, to encourage me to use it more Facebook sent me several photos that PS said contained people I knew but were sent by Facebook to hypnotize me.  One was a photo of a kewpie doll posted by my younger niece.  Upon closer inspection, my niece had sent a photo of the creepy doll to a friend of hers.  She and I have a have a long-standing joke with these dolls.  When Aunt Jan is around kewpie dolls are beset with terrible situations!  Kewpies have been found in the microwave, the grill, the washing machine, and under car wheels just to name a few places.  So as soon as I saw that creepy face (Remember those dolls?  They were rubber and have spooky eyes that follow you everywhere!  Bleah!  Dani loves them.  They give me the hebee jeebees!) I knew who sent it and why.  At least,  I thought I knew who sent the photo, but I was wrong!  Apparently, Facebook will be all stealthy and send you crap that other people you know may or may not be sending you.

 Armed with this new knowledge, I opened a photo last weekend of my sister-in-law, Francesca, Phil and Joe Montana at what looked like a book signing.  It made complete sense to me that they were honobbing with Montana someplace!  So I thought the photo was a really good fake so I wrote a note to Francesca telling her about this great fake photo that was out there!

I had to be schooled in Facebook.  If I had looked more closely at either picture I would have seen that the creepy doll was, in fact, Facebook generated and Joe and Phil and Fran were together in Las Vegas!  Francesca sent all of her people this picture of Phil, Joe and herself and had to stop and respond to me because I had responded to it.  I recall thinking,"If that's Facebook generated, it's pretty good" because I had seen Francesca and Phil the week before and they looked pretty much just like that.  I'll figure it out, I always do.  Just when "Facebook" goes the way of "My Space" I'll have it all figured out...

Have a Splendid (Craptabulous!) Holiday!

PS - You'll all be happy to hear that the "original" gift-that-keeps-giving, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, did not disappoint.  Last weekend he brought his special brand of "crazy" to a church!  He "sang"!  He "danced"!   He reached out to God, who presumably did not reach back.  I think I will walk before Rob Ford resigns!  But I'm really motivated!  Maybe Ford needs an MRI!  It would certainly explain a lot!  (Or not)

Another Gift that Just Keeps On Giving! And it ISN'T Toronto ("It's Entirely Possible I Did Smoke Crack) Mayor ("I won't quit!")Rob Ford

Hello Fellow Travelers!

Again, this week I thought I would write about something important: This Week:  Why Brain Tumors?  Then I heard about this:

What was it you ask?  I both saw and heard Chip Wilson.  And just who is Chip Wilson?  A reasonable question. Chip Wilson is a soon-to-be ex-purveyor of high-end yoga attire. I still believe that the original gift-that-keeps-giving,  Toronto Mayor, Rob Ford, will give this Grinch a Very Merry and set himself ablaze like a yule log (on crack) in some alcohol-drug fueled incident.  (Before you judge, I only expect Ford to have his eyebrows slightly singed.  Because, let's call it here, once you freely admit to smoking crack, you're pretty much done. With everything. Call it holiday hope!)  Back to the subject... Perhaps the douchiest (I don't know if that's a word, but it should be if it isn't) comment of 2013 was coughed up by ol' Chip Wilson, purveyor of overpriced/undersized yoga clothes. He actually said in an interview, on camera, "Not all women can wear our clothes; their bodies don't work! "  Excuse me?  What did he just say?  Oh no, he didn't! Oh, yes, he did!  In the Paula Deeniest moment of 2013 (the Paula Deen year), Mr. Wilson made a remark on television sitting next to his wife and business partner that was so offensive I had to hear it three times.  What did Bobo the Chipper say? "(Our clothes) don't work on some women."

There are three areas you don't touch or ask a woman and live to tell about it. You never ask a lady her age. You never touch a woman's hair.  And you never, ever, comment on a ladies' size!  Ever! No comment positive, or God forbid, negative, in any way should ever be made!  Everyone knows this! Everyone except one blissfully unaware founder of a yogawear company! Mrs. Wilson (we'll see how long she remains Mrs. Wilson) looked as stunned as the interviewers when ol' Chipper started in on his "our clothes don't work on some women" malarkey. The only way this irrefutable "law of life" could be any more irrefutable would be if you were trying to sell expensive yoga pants to females in a double digit size!  Now the hackles of all females are up!  And the plus size girls?  They are not shopping at Lululemon in droves. I had never even heard of this brand or store (LuluLemon), and I intend to start a boycott on general principle.  $100 for stupid yoga pants? Where do I sign?  Where do I never shop and tell everyone I know never to shop?  Lululemon, that's where!  Lululemon, where I won't be spending a ridiculous amount of money; where I'll tell everyone online to not part with dollar #1 at Lululemon.com, for the rest of my life!  Big mistake, Mr.Wilson.  Huge! Who's with me? Who isn't?  I thought so!

To add insult to insult  LuluLemon founder Chip Wilson was on TV defending his companies' decision to use a different fabric in making their pants. Their customers were not happy with the change and Mr. and Mrs. Wilson took to the airwaves to bring their answers directly to their customers when Mr. Wilson made those unfortunate remarks.  The Chipster issued some half-baked, half-assed, half-hearted, half-something that was supposed to serve as an apology. It appeased absolutely no one but started a whole other firestorm of debate over whether or not it was appropriate or sufficient (it was neither) but that's a bell you can't unring; it really doesn't matter what he says.

I have to admit it's been a long time since anyone offended me in such an "in your face" manner. Message received!  That dude threw down a gauntlet practically insisting I don't purchase anything from Lululemon.  Maybe the economy has recovered while I've been trying to, and Lululemon doesn't want my business. Good for them! It seems stupid and short-sighted to me, but maybe they're trying some new, reverse marketing campaign known only to themselves, so... Good for them! Remember, it's Lululemon, and their founder actually verbalized the following: "The selection in sizes over (12) is less because in the larger sizes the thighs rub together!" OK, I hate him. Chip Wilson is pretty despicable and clueless.  He's no Hitler!  I've been watching Hitler all week and feel more convinced than ever that there was Hitler and then there was everybody else, usually German...

I Say It Every Year! Nothing Warms the Heart Like Overly Long Musicals With Nuns and Nazis!

Hello Fellow Travelers!

I was going to write to you about Life's Great Mysteries or Cancer:  Curse or Cure?  Then the following happened and I tossed all those other ideas out the window and you would too if you'd been there.  Picture, if you will, anytown in Northern California at 6:30 at a strip mall on a Friday.  Patient Spouse and I are parked in front of a lame (and I mean lame) Chinese Food place that's conveniently located next to my son's dojo.

Next to us are two very young ladies in a brand new Jeep.  After applying another coat of lip gloss I hear a sound that everyone who has ever owned a car knows all too well because it's the sound you never want to hear.  It's the dreaded "clicking" sound.  I know next to nothing about cars and even I know that sound is bad.  The driver chick reacted to her key's non-effect on the engine with remarkable restraint and calm.  She and her friend took the opportunity to apply more lip gloss.  They used this "maybe if we let it rest, it will repair itself" method of non-repair car repair several times to no avail.  That battery was toast but their lip gloss looked awesome!

In the meantime, while all this clicking is going on Patient Spouse had repositioned our vehicle, found the jumper cables, picked up our pizza, and our kid.  After applying one more coat of gloss (And, their glosses were sparkly and lit up for "in da Club"!  Yes, I have one, 3 guesses who gave it to me!) the very young ladies finally ventured out of their very cute and very dead vehicle.  When I stopped laughing I had to wonder:  Were these girls just really young or incredibly clueless?  Was there ever a time I didn't know that key/clicking sound=Dead Car?  Naahh, maybe when I was like 7(Yeah, yeah, they had cars back then Harty har har!)  All over the world tens of thousands of drivers insert keys into ignitions and know with a sinking sensation that clicking sound means the same, inconvenient truth for each and every driver.  That engine ain't turning over for no one no how without "the jaws of life" or at the very least a jump.  And the sooner you deal with that the sooner you can get on with your day.

We worship youth in our culture.  Youth looks good but it's still young!  The freshly glossed young lady who was driving asked Patient Spouse if he thought she could drive the newly jumped vehicle to a restaurant and he had to explain to her that she should go home immediately and have the car looked at, that her new car could very well die when she turned off the engine again.  It was obvious she had not considered this possibility.  Then we checked out the "new" "Sound of Music" with Stephen Moyer, (Bill, from True Blood) and Carrie Underwood.  I've been watching "The Sound of Music" at Christmastime for years.  What screams "Christmas" about Nazis in long musicals?

Oh yeah, Mother Superior was an African American.  In the Austrian Alps!  In pre-war Austria!  She sang her wimple off!  It was long and weird.  Without the great Julie Andrews singing about them suddenly "A Few of her Favourite (British spelling) Things" start to sound a little disgusting! (Buttered Noodles?  Schnitzel? Yuck!)  Anyway, if it isn't the holiday for you without the SOM, stick with the original  Then e-mail me and let me know how the talk with your mother went.  You know, the chat you had with her letting her know you're gay.  Really gay!  (Not that there's anything wrong with that)

PS - As a reasonable adult, I have made a unilateral decision for all of us:  If people of a certain age in Wal-Mart commercials use current slang to move merchandise said slang will be instantly stricken from anyone on any medium at any time.  The latest casualties?  "You own something" (As in: You own that tape dispenser.)  Tired.  "Mad Skills" (As in: She has some)  Exhausted.  "The ___aren't going to____ themselves!"(self explanatory, you just fill in the blanks.) Stick a cheap fork in this one because it is burnt!  They don't know their irony from their irons at Wal Mart so let these terms die people they're played out.  In fact, allow me a smidgen of latitude to broaden the criterion.  The last thing I want is to give people another excuse to get creative with their spelling.  It's also the same reason I refuse to use "Twitter".  Any current slang phraseology used to shill for profit will be unceremoniously stripped of it's cache and usage.  Because any 7 year old can tell you, if it's heard in a Wal-Mart Ad it's probably not heard on the playgrounds or in "da club" .  It's hard enough to get anyone to spell correctly or  even write at all.  I would never endorse a medium that encourages users to abbreviate and misspell words.  A world where ewe or you is reduced to "u" is a world I don't want to live in!  So, like the gladiator boot I believe Twitter is a passing fad. (At least I hope).  Patient Spouse sneered,"You think Twitter is a fad?"

So Many Things to be Thankful For! Makeovers,the Mayor of Toronto, Brain Cancer...(See? It never gets old for me! HaHa!) Wait! We're not Canadian!

Hello Fellow Travelers!

I hope everybody across the world found something to be thankful for this particular Thanksgiving assuming you are with loved ones and are still above ground. I'm thankful that Patient Spouse can understand me (even if he's quite possibly the only person on the planet who can.) Thanksgiving used to be a mixed bag if I thought about it too hard!  Why a turkey?  Why is the food all off-white? 

My mother-in-law spoiled me (Your Fearless Traveler), her son,(Patient Spouse), and our thirteen year old son (her grandson).My sister-in-law, Denise, and her wonderful men hosted Thanksgiving!  Which was awesome! Regular readers of the Rant know that I'm pretty thankful to be able show up any place these days.

One of the greatest gifts I ever received was one from my  sister-in-law, Francesca, And, it was totally by accident!  Like in 2000 when I was in this awful hospital, waiting for them to prep an operating room in a hospital  they grabbed poor Fran!  She held my hand  until the room was ready! In a hospital!  The only place I'm aware of where operating rooms are fairly common, no? Well not at THIS hospital!  They even had ER waiting rooms!  I was out in the friggin' hallway! Waiting!  With Francesca!

One of the things nobody warns you about following cancer treatment is the "Seabiscuit" effect: Your vision is really messed up.  Nothing as simple as correcting.  Everything is floating and spinning.  Applying makeup by myself to myself has become unmanageable. Lipstick?  Impossible. (Remember in "Seabiscuit" the wise trainer, played wisely by Chris Cooper, snarling  about jockey Red (played by Tobey Maguire, "He's blind in one eye!"), Patient Spouse does his best to help me deal with my makeup.  In spite of repeated  chemotherapy and radiation treatments that caused irreversible loss, my hair simply refused to give up the ghost and continues to thrive unabated.

When you are legally blind someone else deals with your hair and make up. And like everything else, all amusements cease to be amusing when just being awake is painful. But I digress:  Thursday, Patient Spouse and I were in San Bruno at my mother-in-law's. Patient Spouse was attempting to insert five giant hot rollers into my unruly hair!  Fran Poked her head in to say "Hello!" and she sets aside an entire day of mini blind issues to train me and Patient Spouse on how to "do" hair.  Fran borrowed a pair of tiny scissors from Rose and she proceeded to go Edward Scissorhands on my ass!  She has mad skills!  It was a Christmas miracle!  It was a Thanksgiving miracle.  It was a bleedin' miracle!  OK?

Francesca has many talents that she has honed to fine points, if she's really good at something, she has a tool-belt and/or kit.  Francesca's makeup skills are epic, her mastery of hair is just that masterful. Fran's skill with hair is nothing short of surgical.  She has her hair done by a salon owner who's one of her best friends once every two weeks.  Francesca knows hair.  My hair (big deal) is the proverbial Timex Watch of body parts, it will pretty much do anything you want it to  and you know what happened?  The most amazing thing in almost three years!  I saw myself in the mirror and I sort of recognized that person and I was so glad to see her again, I was just so relieved I was alive!  THAT'S WHAT I SAW!!!

Needless to say, for both hair and cosmetics, Fran has all kinds of gizmos, tools, kits, bags, samples, doodads, thingamajigs. (See?  Who  else born before 1980 is going to throw out "Doodads"?  It's gold I tell you comedy gold!)  Girlfriend hooked me up!  Put another way:  I  stopped avoiding mirrors, and was finally able to take a little comfort in my daily sojourns to the gym and my Bataan death marches.  Well, fo
r one night anyway. Being blind, immobilized and unable to speak has made me profoundly grateful for kindnesses especially when they work out so well.

I watched "Homeland" with Patient Spouse last night, (his show, not mine,  I think it's hilarious! The best spoof of this show is SNL last year with Anne Hathaway, but only if you don't think that pretend CIA drama is compelling and entertaining and not stressful, pointless and ridiculous (not to mention everyone on the program looks like they really need or just had brain trauma!  Or a shower.  Or both.)  

What has had me really taking a long hard, look  at "Homeland" is one of the characters:  In spite of how horrible I feel and how impaired I continue to be, I have every expectation I will be walking.  If everything happens for a reason and all my priorities are different and clear since 2011, a new and disturbing possibility has been nipping at my heels.  But, just having "me","recovered", in the same sentence as 2014 is a huge milestone and I'll be forever grateful to Francesca.  So  if I eventually discover I'm part of some "sleeper" cell, that would explain a lot  (hey, stranger things have happened!  The last one was Brain Cancer!  Really!!)

Being empowered to look in the mirror instead of avoiding them like a vampire, I thank Franny for that power.  It's more important than you think too!  It means the world to me.  I will improve.  I keep telling you guys - it's all about setting the bar low and keeping it there!

BTW-   You know who else looks amazing?  After chemo?  Mike & Mary's "boy", Boomer!